Confessions of a Girl Gamer

06/22/05

Welcome to part 1 of "Confessions of a Girl Gamer." Be forewarned, there's some language parents might not approve of, but it's all real commentary from online matches. Confession #1 I love Xbox Live. To be quite honest, I am an online junkie. I barely even consider a game if it doesn’t let me duke it out over the Internet with my friends. Live has become an odd phenomenon that has fostered a feeling of community and smashed to bits the stereotype of the pasty-faced gamer huddled alone in his room. It has taken the most anti-social of people, and turned them into social butterflies, with overflowing friends lists and more game invites than they can keep up with. People have formed bonds through clans and online forums, both of which have flourished because of this service. But you know what they say about all that glitters… All of these warm fuzzy feelings of camaraderie are often ruined by a punk-ass kid in Halo 2 telling you that you suck. This gets very old, very quickly. In hindsight, perhaps it wasn’t wise to choose a gender-specific gamertag. Maybe then, I could have gotten by with just the normal amount of smack-talk that goes on, instead of being subjected to the constant harassment I receive because of my gender. But I couldn’t help myself. I had to represent. Put it out there for the entire world to know that I am a girl gamer. Are you really a social retard, or do you just play one online? Sometimes I feel as if I am some rare and exotic animal down at the local zoo, on loan from a distant and mysterious continent. All of the ignorant townsfolk come down to gawk at the newly acquired specimen, with their eyes bulging and their mouths hanging open, partly in awe, but mostly in disbelief. Years of constraining social beliefs have led them to believe that this particular gender of the species does not exist. “Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing here is the rare and elusive ‘Girl Gamer’. While the Girl Gamer can often be seen stalking her prey on her own, they tend to travel in packs. Seeing a pack of wild Girl Gamers can be disconcerting and difficult to comprehend, thus causing some confusion for the unsuspecting male. We have compiled a few simple guidelines to help you, just in case you ever stumble across these girls. Should you come across one of these females, be sure to make yourself look as incompetent as you can. This can be achieved by asking her completely uniformed questions and making sexist comments. A good way to start is to constantly ask her if she is in fact a girl, regardless of the fact that her gamertag positively identifies her as a female. Names that would denote gender, such as ‘girl’(or any odd spelling variation there of) ‘woman’ and ‘lady’ can all be misleading, and should be ignored until further proof of gender is gathered. Try to engage the female in conversation. The purpose of this is two-fold. First, it will help to further aid you along in determining if this is indeed a female gamer, and second, it will allow you to practice hitting on girls. Since your boorish behavior indicates that you obviously don’t have much contact with females of any species, your skills are probably lacking considerably in this department. If the female is hesitant to talk, and will not respond to the incessant questioning of her gender, pause the game and send her a friend request. It is vitally important that you attach a message, either text or voice, depending upon how far along in puberty you are, asking if she is a girl. If you have already established this fact, send an alternate message inquiring if she is “hot”. She will certainly send you a response saying ‘Some people tell me I look like (insert any of your “I’m a loser but only want to date these hot women who wouldn’t even look at me if I were 10 feet tall, purple and on fire” dream girls here). Would you like my number?’ Now that we have all of the formalities out of the way, let’s move on to the actual game. It is imperative that you call her every name that you can think of which is specifically derogatory to her gender throughout the entire game. She will pretend that she doesn’t like it, but a little known fact about the Girl Gamer is that she actually enjoys being called ‘bitch’, ‘slut’, ‘whore’ and ‘dyke’ every 2½ minutes. Also, try to be helpful by reminding her of her (and her entire gender’s) place. Statements such as “Girls can’t play Halo” or “This is a man’s game, bitch” work nicely. Sometimes, just a simple “Get back in the kitchen” is all that is needed. The name calling and sexist remarks will be sure to please the female, and it will ensure that she will accept the friend request that you will invariably send after (or during; refer to the above paragraph for proper timing) the game. If you are unsure of your name-calling abilities, don’t worry. We have a solution for those of you who haven’t yet gotten your smack-talking skills in place. When the match begins, run up to the female and yell “Don’t shoot me. I just want to talk.” Some of the more feisty females will not respond to this tactic, so be sure to emphasize that you will let her win, just so long as she talks to you. Should she be of the incredibly stubborn variety and continues to shoot you, show her that you are committed to this approach, and do not return fire. Be warned – this is extremely dangerous, and thus should only be used as a last resort. If irritated, the Girl Gamer will most certainly continue to attack you, and this will only result in a death blow to the back of your head. If you find yourself actually losing to the girl, make up excuses to account for your poor performance. Blaming it on lag is the tried and true method, but don’t be afraid to get creative. You could try ‘I am sick right now because while I was visiting the rainforests of Brazil, a howler monkey threw poo at me, and I contracted a rare form of monkey hepatitis.’ (Warning: Do not use the aforementioned example. This excuse was thought up by someone who is creative, as well as intelligent. Two things that you, quite apparently, are not.) The Girl Gamer may appreciate the effort you put into to making your excuse clever and unique, and will help to separate you from the other 100 jerks she played with that day that sent her friend requests. Should you ever feel the need to compliment the female on her gaming skills, be sure and tack on the phrase ‘for a girl’ at the end of your sentence. Failure to do this will only confuse the female, and she may mistake you for a friendly and mature gamer.” Attack of the boy-men… I am not sure what makes people act this way. I guess it is the anonymity of the Internet that makes them act like socially inept f--tards. They are brave because they are just a voice on the other end of the empty void of cyberspace. Are these actual adults acting out their misogynistic aggression because their mommy didn’t hold them enough as a child, or is Xbox Live really being overrun by pre-pubescent boys barely old enough to get into a Disney movie, let alone play an “M” rated game? Do these people act like this in the “real” world? I have a hard time envisioning what life must be like for those around them, if their online attitude is any indication of their personality. “Good morning, HaloMasterChi3fL33t.” “Whatever, you suck.” “L33tSnYper1991, would you like to play outside at recess?” “Shut up bitch. I just tea-bagged you. You suck.” “Hey, n00bkillahH3ADsh0t, we are having a company meeting tomorrow morning. There will be coffee and donuts.” “You just got pwned, n00b. You suck.” (All gamertags are purely fictional. Any relation to a real gamertag is purely coincidental, and frankly, quite sad, given the fact that the most asinine names were used.) Yes, there is a recurring theme. I often tell these cretins that they are lacking in creativity. If you are going to smack-talk me, give me something good, something original. I am growing weary of the same five insults being hurled at me game, after game, after game. All this proves to me is that they are as intellectually challenged as they are annoying. And now, just to be different… The sad truth is, the above scenarios are the norm, no matter what a certain unnamed “magazine” might tell you.(see our next installment for more details) As a girl gamer on Xbox Live, it is more common to be sexually harassed and called derisive names than it is to be just left alone. On the rare occasion that a group of males actually compliment our skills, it is indeed a shock. For those of you out there that remain neutral, keeping the game chatter to “I’m going for the overshield” or “They are going through the teleporter”, with a simple “good game” in the post game lobby, thank you. And for those atypical few that are actually man enough to admit defeat at the hands of girl gamers, and can actually compliment us, you are indeed an even rarer breed than the Girl Gamer. You are the kind of gamers we want to play against, and we appreciate your presence, and only wish there were more like you. J. Paradise (Editor's note: And could you please stop asking every female gamer you come across "Do you know the frag dolls?". Seriously, they aren't the only girls who game out there).
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