We all know that video games only enter political candidates’ radars if they need something to skewer to easily gain no-fuss brownie points. I highly doubt any of these people have actually played one, although I can picture McCain having had an all-night “Pong” session after being released from prison camp. Still, what if each political candidate in the 2008 presidential election were a video game? You know, if we actually lived in the Tron-verse and all. Below are my picks for the games that Republican candidates John McCain and Sarah Palin would be if they were video games. Click here for our thoughts on the Democratic nominees.
P.O.W.: Prisoners of War – This one is a no brainer. The game starts with a grizzled prisoner escaping from a jail cell and proceeding to kick the living crap out of his captors. After he’s escaped, he keeps on kicking the living crap out of them by destroying their jungle bases and communications headquarters. There is no level, however, where he caves and starts cooperating with the warden. Oooh snap! Just kidding, John. I would have caved the very first day, when their only form of torture was waving an aromatic pizza slice in front of my face. They do do that, you know.
Would you let this guy star in “Wedding Crashers”?
Wii Sports – When Wii Sports came out, Nintendo loved to toot its horn about how it was helping seniors move their limbs around and experience joy for the first time in 40 years. I know McCain age jokes are old hat (har har), but he could stand to move his limbs around a little bit more, so why not get the blood flowing imagining the old days when he could actually play tennis? Hey, at least he had those days. When I took tennis in college, the only person the teacher felt comfortable pairing me against was an 83-year-old woman. McEnroe, I’m not.
The Wii is your grandfather’s gaming console.
SimCity – Anyone who has played SimCity knows it’s very easy to lose track of what exactly is going on in your fake town. With that said, let me ask you a question: How many big “R” residential blocks did you plop down in your city? Can’t remember, can you? See, it’s easy to forget how many houses you have in this world! Also, borrowing more money from China is kind of like pressing Control FUNDS over and over again. Let’s hope McCain doesn’t unwittingly unleash Godzilla on all of us.
If elected, McCain promises to stop the “good ol’ boys” from manually erupting volcanoes on our big cities.
Sonic the Hedgehog – Everyone knows John McCain is a maverick. Who better to align himself with than that speedy hedgehog with an attitude? Mario plays by the rules; Sonic gives them the middle finger…just like McCain. Wait, would that mean that McCain would vote with Dr. Robotnick 90 percent of the time? My head is spinning.
John promises fast-paced side-scrolling action, not 3D sucktitude.
Honorable mentions for McCain:
- Bionic Commando
- Oregon Trail
Metroid – Sarah’s a tough old bird. She hunts, fishes and does all kinds of outdoorsy things that we gamers are generally confused by. This, of course, reminds me of our favorite video game heroine, Samus Aran. I must say, I can absolutely see Sarah Palin drilling five missiles into some ornery metroids. Sarah Palin. Samus Aran. Sarah Palin. Samus Aran. It even sounds similar! Is this McCain’s stab at getting the lucrative “gamer vote”? Wait, gamers don’t vote. We’re too busy grinding up our mages. [Editor’s Note: Please, for the love of all things digital, vote this year. Please.]
If the vetting process doesn’t go so well, she can always retreat into her morph ball.
Super Mario World – We all know Sarah Palin really, really hates abortion. Say what you want about him, but King Bowser has also proven to hold the sanctity of life in high esteem. I mean, he has seven annoying and dangerous kids. Let’s just ignore his mega maniacal tendency to fill his kingdom up with deadly traps. Let’s also ignore Sarah Palin’s tendency to fight to have animals taken off of the endangered species list.
I wonder if he trotted out Morton Jr. and Larry during a Koopa Kingdom campaign speech.
Honorable mentions for Palin:
- Big Oil: Build an Oil Empire
- Any snowboarding game
- Big Buck Hunter.
So that’s our take on the Republican presidential candidates as video games. Remember to check out the Democratic candidates’ foray into digital immortality.
— Lawrence Bonk