You know you’ve been there: you’re in the middle of an online game, your clan is depending on you, the team’s down by three kills, and all you can think about is how bad you have to use the bathroom. Mother Nature’s calling, and the machine ain’t about to pick up. We’ve heard stories of Big Gulp cups suffering inhumane treatment. We’ve heard tales of windows being opened in the middle of winter. We’ve even caught wind of “accidents,” although we’re pretty sure those people have issues. But even those issues pale in comparison to the issues gamers have if they purposefully subject themselves to this kind of torture.
Consider this DailyGame’s first-ever public service announcement: Gamers, for the love of God and the sake of your clan mates, never ever do a colonic. Even when it’s got a funny name like “Colon Ox.” Taking Viagra for kicks may be funny in the frat, but those effects wear off after a few hours and don’t affect your game. This stuff? It’s like gameplay poison in a bottle; you’re never going to be able to stay on the sofa long enough to reload the SMG.
On principle, the very name of the product should serve as a warning. Any medical product whose name includes “Ox” as a word, not two random letters, should probably be avoided. Eastern medicine may have a logical use for parts of an ox, but pills coming from a sterile white bottle produced in Miami? Not so much. Plus, have we learned nothing from Major League Baseball’s (and hip-hop’s) dangerous flirtation with products from South Beach?
Our PSA against colonics goes beyond just the name, though. There are many reasons gamers in particular shouldn’t dabble in colonics. Just look at some of the Q&As directly from the manufacturer of this product:
- What symptoms might I experience while taking [this product]?
You may experience watery, gaseous stools, noisy bowel sounds, or some temporary cramping due to gas build-up….
Note to fellow gamers: Those microphones you’re using can transmit more noise than you realize. Proximity voice? Yeah, it’s not so cool to be fragged because your enemy heard you fart.
- How do I use [this product]?
Begin by taking 4 capsules … prior to bedtime on an empty stomach with 8 ounces of water. If you do not experience 3 to 5 bowel movements the next day, increase your dosage by 2 capsules each night until you achieve 3 to 5 bowel movements the following day.
Three to five craps per day?!?! That’s wrong. Time on the toilet means no time in the lobby, let alone in the game itself. How can any self-respecting gamer honestly pursue this stuff when their Friends List is counting on them?
- Will I be able to go to work during the [colon-cleansing process]?
It’s best to start the 7-Day Cleanse on a Friday evening.
You know why? So you can keep your ass planted on the porcelain. Now tell me again, what’s the best night for gaming? If you want to game all weekend and start off strong on Friday, you don’t want to do anything that’ll have you strapped to the crapper instead.
Look, friends don’t let friends drive drunk, and gamers don’t let fellow gamers take colonics. Our gaming time is valuable enough as it is, with families, day jobs and household responsibilities always hanging over our heads. So do yourself — and your entire clan — a favor, and “just say ‘No'” to colonics.
This public service announcement approved by the DailyGame.net Anti-Crap Committee.
I’m Jonas Allen, and I approved this message.
— Jonas Allen