Yes, we love videogames, and yes, we get to go to E3 every year. But even E3 has its irritants. It’s kind of like Uwe Boll’s BloodRayne: we all went for the full frontal but came out with a few nice glimpses and a deep-seeded desire to have the remaining 94.5 minutes of our lives back.
OK, so maybe E3 isn’t quite that bad. After all, the annual show certainly has its great moments. Like the first time you see that clumsy kid stumble over his bag of swag, drooling all over his too-small T-shirt as he lunges ahead to grab yet another keychain from some scantily clad lady who’d rather be doing a Lee Press-On Nails commercial. Classic stuff. But E3, even with all those classic moments, still has blemishes that even an ultra-sweet game preview can’t cover up.
And that, dear readers, is why we present to you today:
The Top 10 Things We Hate About E3
10. The 24-Hour Day
What would a list like this be if we didn’t complain about the ratio of parties to hours in the day? We’re regular working stiffs, so we want to take advantage of all the free food and drink possible (and oh yeah, see the products you’re promoting). But honestly, four parties in the same five-hour window? You must be joking. Where’s the Universal Pause Button when you need it? Or, better yet, somebody who actually gives a damn about the people who want to attend these parties and can coordinate the hosts’ times and dates a bit better?
9. Twelve-dollar Turkey Sandwiches
See Number 10, above. We’re working stiffs, not Donald Trumps. The last time I paid $12 for a turkey sandwich, it was accompanied by some “harmless visual stimuli” from the opposite sex. But this is what the LA Convention Center wants to charge, and by God, you’re going to pay it. Either that, or $8 for a pizza that comes from a vending machine. And no, that’s not a joke. If you’ve ever said publishers having refreshments in their booth is a way to “buy” positive coverage, you obviously haven’t tried to eat at the LA Convention Center. Those free refreshments are really just publishers’ attempt to ensure we journalists don’t waste away and die before we get a chance to publish our articles.
8. Fanboys
You can call it the Nintendo Wii all you want. Hell, call it the Nintendo PU or Nintendo BM. We absolutely hate the guys who will never care, “because Miyamoto can do no wrong, and whatever Nintendo makes is l337.” Sure, guys. At it’s not like Nintendo fanboys are the only ones out there; at E3 2005, Microsoft hired teenagers to make big X’s over their heads each time J Allard said something remotely interesting, but those fluffers weren’t doing anything different from the fansite “editors” in attendance. What ever happened to objectivity? Oh, that’s right: the Internet killed it.
7. Crowds
Unless we’re playing an MMO, crowds this big are just disturbing, much like what Debby must’ve felt like on her way through Dallas. If you’re not fighting for a decent view of the TV monitor, you’re beating casual passersby with your most-accessible tchotchke so you can actually get your hands on a game. What, you think our beloved media badges matter? Just check out the next thing we hate.
6. Attitude
Certain publishers, and it’s not limited to The Big Guys, exude far more attitude with the press than their games would warrant. Honestly, show me a little bit of love, and I might just raise your game’s score from a 3 to 3.5. Here I am, begging to see the game and give you coverage, and you’d rather say you’re too busy? OK, then, moving right along to the next publisher who gives a rip…. E3 even brings out the worst in the big videogame Web sites: One year GameSpot rolled into Sony’s press conference like a posse in a big, black Cadillac Escalade and unloaded their video cameras without even taking off their sunglasses (how cool! Not). The only thing larger than their SUV was their collective ego. Why can’t everyone just cut the attitude and just do their job?
5. The Racket
If you’ve been to E3, you’re well aware that the show is just a money-making front from the real behind-the-scenes business. The show’s organizers buy up nearly every hotel room within three ZIP codes before they announce the dates for the next year’s E3, forcing you to go through their hotel-booking service. Nice of them to stick it to Priceline.com, eh?
4. Decibels
What’s that? Your shame has been boiling with 14 moths and you’ve got a problem with mold? Oh, I’m sorry. Over your booth’s blaring speakers I couldn’t hear you say your game’s been in development for 14 months and is about to go gold. To imagine the noise at E3, imagine AC/DC getting in a volume match with Aerosmith, in your tiled bathroom, and you might be getting close. Since when was good audio equated with deafening audio? Huh? Did you answer? I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you.
3. No-Doz
As a Tier 2 site, we don’t get the same pre-E3 briefings and advance meetings as the bigger sites. As a result, we scramble to cover as much as possible during E3 while the Big Boys sit back and hit “publish” on articles they’ve had written weeks in advance. To them, E3 is a big party and schmooz-fest, a place for them to sign big publishers to even bigger ad deals. To us, it’s a time to see and write about as many games as we possibly can while handling such basic needs as eating and sleeping (we averaged three hours per night at E3 2005). No-Doz is a necessity at E3, and I hate being reliant on pills.
2. Mouth Breathers
We don’t mean to be rude about this one. Really, we don’t. But where is it written in the gameplayers’ guidelines that 50 percent of all E3 attendees must not be physically capable of breathing through their nose? I don’t care if you’ve just witnessed the best-looking videogame ever, keep your fly-catcher shut; you look like a fool. And you’re breathing on me. Your apparent nasal-breathing disorder better not be contagious.
1. Booth Babes
We hate booth babes. There, we’ve said it. Not only are these ladies a distraction from the real reason we go to E3, but they themselves are distracted by one of three things: their can’t-you-see-how-gorgeous-I-am radiance, the sea of mouth-breathers clawing at the ladies’ metal bikinis and begging for a photo, or the bright flashy things blinking above their heads (aka “widescreen TVs”). E3 is about the games, OK? Let’s keep it that way. Ditch the booth babes.
— Jonas Allen
